Think Dr. Mudd

After:

Fort Jefferson

The world changed 

when a white rock shifted
to became a snail's  turbaned 

shell, harsh in sunlight 

against red brick.

[081910-2]

Fort Jefferson

The world changed that day when the white rock shifted
and became the small shell of a turbaned
snail, harsh in sunlight against the red brick.

[040108]

I shifted a number of things in this poem to bring the sounds more into conformance with the flow I was hearing and to bring shell and harsh together.  Additionally, as with any poetry, it is trimmed now to a near-minimum, though there may be more to shape and shift.  I'm still not satisfied, but it is a much clearer picture of the event and the day. It's flow is now more reminiscent of both Japanese and Chinese progenitors and some of the American/English Imagist school.